Sermon Text, "Detective Shipman Explores Fishy Funding":

Cast:

GR = Ms. Genny Rossity = Katie Hausner

SL = Ms. Sharon Love = Sue Hamre Smith

IS = Inspector Shipman = Pastor Fritz

LP = Larry Peterson = himself

JW = Jeff Williams = himself

EP = Ellen Pfundt = herself

IS:   Ah, Miss Rossity, thanks so much for meeting me.  (Miss Rossity walks in.)

GR:  Of course, Inspector Shipman.   Your message said it was somewhat urgent.

IS:  Precisely, Miss Rossity.   Orders have come down that our next assignment is to investigate one (let me see here. . .  yes!) one Christ Our Shepherd Lutheran Church.

GR:  What seems to be the problem Inspector Shipman?

IS:  Well, the report indicates that year after year Christ Our Shepherd—which uses the moniker COS for short—releases over 1 million dollars of resources into their community, state, and world through all kinds of ministries and programs.

GR:  Well, what’s the crime in that Inspector?   I’ve heard wonderful appreciation about the tremendous impact COS makes all over in people’s lives.

IS:  That’s not the issue, Miss Rossity.   The question is “where do they get all that money to spread around?”    To share that much, there must be fishy sources of funding!

GR:  Well, Inspector Shipman, let’s start eliminating possibilities.   Most organizations with money sell some type of product.   What does COS sell?

IS:   That’s where is gets intriguing Miss Rossity!   According to background records forwarded to us, COS says they don’t sell anything!   But good news.  We’ve got a hot tip on a person of interest.

GR:  Is this her coming right now?

IS:   (Miss Love escorts Jayne Troy to a chair).  Aha!   Thank you Miss Love for your good work.  I’m glad you found our suspect.

SL:  No problem, Inspector Shipman.   This woman’s name is Ellen Pfundt.  Have a seat Mrs. Pfundt.   (Shine a bright light in Jayne’s eyes.)     My associates and I have been trailing Mrs. Pfundt off and on for the last 3 months.

GR: What have you learned?

SL:  Well, her scheme seems to surround the countless back packs that she and her syndicate, known as the COS Joshua Gift Program, deliver to three different area schools.   The back packs are bulky when delivered, but when Mrs. Pfundt’s minions pick them up on Monday, they appear quite slim.

IS:  What’s your hypothesis Miss Love?

SL:   Clearly, Mrs. Pfundt is selling some type highly valued commodity, but wants to skirt the system.   She delivers her product through the backpacks and receives payment through the same channel.  Very, very clever!

IS:   Well, Mrs. Pfundt, what do you have to say for yourself?

EP:  Well, it’s true, we do deliver backpacks to students at 3 different schools in surrounding neighborhoods.

All 3:   Aha!!!

EP:   But we’re not selling anything!   We’re delivering food to kids who need a little extra help.

GR:  Well how are you making any money on this?

EP:  We’re not.

IS:  Hogwash.  How do you maintain your operation?

EP:  It’s all through love offerings.   Whatever we do at COS, whether feed kids, gather people for worship, or support far-away neighbors recovering from storms or helping in Haiti, we do it all with love offerings!

GR:  Love offerings?

EP:  Yes, we’re convinced Jesus first loved us—he died and rose for us.   He gives us new life, so we try to pass that joy and life on to others.  Jesus first invested sacrificially in us, so we invest sacrificially in others.

IS:   Hmm.    Miss Love, I’m not sure if Mrs. Pfudnt is bamboozling us or not, but I think we’re barking up the wrong tree.  At least for now.   Mrs. Pfundt, you’re free to leave. But make no mistake, we’re watching you.   (All three make the sign of two fingers, alternating back and forth from their own eyes to Ellen’s.)

GR:   Inspector, there might be another angle to this.   I hear buzz about some Oktoberfest and a profoundly creative holiday concert COS calls the Moravian Love Feast.

IS:  Aha, Miss Rossity, we all know what Americans are willing to pay for top notch music.  Taylor Swift and Rolling Stone tickets go for thousands.  People gladly pay monthly fees for their Spotify or Apple Music accounts.

GR:  So, COS is secretly charging people outrageous sums for tickets to their music festivals!   And all the front row seats probably go for tens of thousands of dollars!

SL:   Well, you gotta remember these are Lutherans and they love to sit in the far BACK of their venues.

IS:   So true.  Ladies, I think you’re on to something.    Their website says Larry Peterson is their Director of Worship. Let’s bring him in for questioning!  (SL pulls Larry on-stage)

GR:   Mr. Peterson, is it true that the only way you fund your worship life and music programs is by gouging visitors with outrageous ticket prices at your special music events?

Larry:  Not true!    We never sell tickets.  All our ministries, inside and outside the congregation, are supported by financial GIFTS from our worshipers.

IS:  Enough of your fantasies.   Give me the truth!

Larry:   The truth??  It sounds like you can’t handle the truth!  (ala Jack Nicholson in a Few Good Men.)

IS:   Ahhh.    Time for the next suspect.  Here is Jeff Williams, part of what they call their “Generosity Team.”

SL:  Mr. Williams, (hold up insert #2) I found this paper indicating that COS has what you call 256 family giving units.   So, with a million-dollar (make air quotes) Ministry/Generosity Plan, do you handle it like buying a time share or joining a golf club?  You charge everyone the same, right?  In this case, let’s see . . (doing math in head or on paper) . . Just over 1 million dollars divided by 256 giving units—some older adults, some college kids-- is just over $4000.  That’s what you insist everyone pays to join the COS club?  $4000 per family unit?

JW:  Sorry.  Unlike most organizations, no one ever HAS to pay to belong to COS.  Jesus invites us all, free of charge.   But we discover along our faith journey how meaningful it is to give.  To shar--or some folks say “steward”--the time, talent and treasure God gives each of us.   Willingly.  Joyfully.   So, some have started at $5 per week and others have grown to over $400 per week.

IS:   Uggh.   Your fanciful talk sounds like collusion with Ellen Pfundt!

SL:   Well, Inspector Shipman, if they don’t charge an entry fee for all the music, small groups, and special events members enjoy, maybe they’re forced to pay an annual membership fee.

GR:  Right, Miss Love.  I saw in their worship guide, something about a tithe or 10% of their income.  Mr. Williams, is it you or the council that looks at everyone’s tax returns to verify everyone is giving 10% as a membership fee?

JW:  Neither.   No one looks at anyone’s tax returns!

IS:  Curses.  Foiled again!

GR:  Well, how do they do it then?

SL:  Right, how do they launch over a million dollars of resources supporting all kinds of creative ministries inside and outside of their facility if they DON’T hawk any products  . . .

IS:  or sell tickets for their weekly worship and special events . . . .

GR:  or charge entry fees or annual subscriptions?

IS:   Mr. Williams, how have you created such a mysterious network?

JW:   I didn’t create it.  God did.   COS simply uses the system that God’s designed.

SL:  What are you talking about?

JW:   Well, Miss Love, like we tried to tell you before, we’re honored each year to accomplish all we do in joyful gratitude for what God has first done for us.  Our WHOLE LIFE is a big thank you to God, but each one of us tries to specifically and sacrificially give a portion of time and money to Jesus’ work.

GR:   Wow?  Well, how is that calculated?  How do people know how much they should give?

JW:   Well, Miss Rossity, we usually invite people to consider a gift-amount that conveys our true appreciation of God.  If our gift is smaller than what we pay for coffee or cable or one of our vacations, we might want to consider right-sizing our approach.  Many Jesus-followers focus on a worthy percentage of our income. There’s a little debate, but throughout history many Christians shoot for a tithe, or 10% of their income.

SL:   10%.  Well, that means if each of your 364 family units would tithe their income, you’d have over 3 ½  million dollars per year.  You could fully fund over 3 times what you’re currently doing, which already is a LOT!

JW:  That’s right.    Not all of us are at a tithe.  And that’s OK.   What’s important is that we’re all growing in our giving.   Just as we want our kids to mature, God wants us to mature in how we participate in how we steward God’s plan for the world.  Maybe we start at 2% and move to 5%. Maybe we grow to a tithe or beyond.  And the cool thing about percentage giving is that even if our income increases or decreases through life’s circumstances, our percentage level still is meaningful regardless of actual dollars.

IS:  So how do you verify that everyone is actually growing or even giving at all at COS?

JW:  Well, that’s sort of up to them.  Our job as COS leaders is to try to explain how giving is a blessing on so many levels.  Then it’s our families’ job to decide how they will steward what God has given them.

GR:   So, you’re telling me you don’t sell anything at COS?

JW:  That’s right.   We just invite people to be a joyful and engaged part of how Jesus connects together and brings life to the world.

SL:  You don’t charge tickets and make sure everyone pays their share?

JW:  No, we don’t.   As we’ve said, we do invite people to give.  More and more folks give on-line.  Some give with checks.  Some are making plans to give as part of their estate plan, through the Apple Tree Society. We’ve got a fun dessert and discussion about that next Sunday after church!  However and whenever they give, we try to remind them that God loves a cheerful giver and giving is always a very meaningful part of a joyful life.

KA:  (Larry runs back in).  Hey Jeff, I’ve done some research on these 3 and you’re not going to believe it!

JW: What?

Larry:  Well, first, (turning to IS), is your first name Stewart, Inspector Shipman?

IS:  Yes.  Stewart Ship-man

JW:  What?!  Stewardship Man???  Your name is exactly what we’re talking about here--stewardship!

Larry:   And Miss Rossity, is your first name Genny?

GR:  Yes, my name is Genny Rossity.

JW:  GennyRossity? Like Generosity?   Your name is exactly what God hopes for us.

Larry: And Miss Love, is your first name Sharon?

SL:   Yes, SharonLove.

JW:   What?  SharingLove?    Stewardship Man?   Generosity?  Those 3 names are huge CLUES that YOU each belong at COS.

IS:  My, my, how the tables have turned in this case!

JW:   Well, at Jesus’ table you’re going to be welcomed, Inspector.

SL & GR:   I guess we gotta go where the evidence leads!

Everyone on stage:   AAAAAAA-Men!!!  Life is better when we’re all Stewarding God’s Mysteries!

(All depart together).